Friday, August 20, 2010

Cracked Out

Never try to conquer an empty stomach with two cans of Rockstar. If you take any pearl of wisdom from this column, let that be it. You won’t believe what has crawled out my mind this week. What does this have to do with sports? Nothing. You’ve been warned.

Before I get to my Top 5, let us take a look at a few of those who missed the cut:
Evan Longoria, Ryan Reynolds, Cristiano Ronaldo, Michael Schumacher and Eminem.

Evan Longoria is really good at baseball and should have a bright career, but outside of the realm of MLB there really isn’t much going. He seems like a normal guy, living a normal life. I am already doing that currently. Ryan Reynolds is love/hate relationship. I can only take him sparingly and right now I’m in the Ryan Reynolds off season. Cristiano Ronaldo possesses everything to make the Top 5. Good looking, amazing soccer player, tons of money, women love him, ect. But I am absolutely POSITIVE that Cristiano Ronaldo is STD POSITIVE. I just know it. A guy that young, with those looks, has to have picked something up along the way. Same thing for Kyle Korver. Thanks, but no thanks. Michael Schumacher gets to drive Ferraris for a living, but I saw an interview of him on Top Gear and he’s really boring. Eminem is the greatest rapper to ever have lived, I’d kill to have that talent, but Em has got demons in his closet I know I want nothing to do with.

Without further ado, if I could be anyone in the world besides myself, her is my Top 5 List:

This has to be at the top of every existing male’s list. It can’t be beat. Mother effin Batman! The best part behind the idea of Batman is the theoretical possibility. Superpowers do not factor in to the equation; he is a man, the same as you and I. He doesn’t have super strength, but rather he is trained in the ways of the samurai and ninja assassins to overcome his foes. All of this is achievable. Everything exists in the realm of possibility for any human on earth. Let’s break it down and see if it is possible or not.

He is a billionaire. Check. Has ballin’ wise crackin’ butler. With a Bruce Wayne bankroll, guys like this are dime a dozen. How much do you think Alfred is making? $5 million a year, $10 million a year? Bruce writes that check no questions asked. Alfred would probably work for lest too factoring in that he is pretty much Bruce’s father. He did raise him after all. In fact, I’m positive the real life Michael Cane would be any body’s butler for five million a year.

Back to Batman, he pretty much owns a city identical to New York. Possible. With Wayne Enterprises having a hand in pretty much everything how can you not own Gotham? I believe one man can cast a spell over a city. Just look at the power the guy wearing #2 for the pinstripes in New York wields. It is a perfect example. Derek Jeter could commit homicides in broad daylight at Time Square and every juror in the state would let him walk. All he does is play baseball for Yankees.

As far as gadgets go, Bruce has barrels of cash specifically funneled in to R&D to make kickass Bat Gear. Its 2010, the technology exists. He fights crime and super villains. This relates to the technology advancements. Then there are the slews of hot chicks. Again the money plays a card. Google Peter Crouch images and then Google images of his girlfriend for an example. A hot skintight-PCV-wearing Michelle Pfeifer is on his jock is totes believable. Lamborghini Reventon’s and Aprilia’s by day and a Bat Mobile by night. Check, check and check.

What is there to NOT like? And don’t say he can’t have a love life because I’m not buying it. There is ZERO chance Rachel Dawes (Katie Holmes version) picks a Harvey Dent over a Bruce Wayne/Batman. Just like there is a ZERO chance Harvey Dent and Bruce Wayne go after Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal version). Hands down, this is easily the biggest stretch in the entire Batman story. Batman jumping off sky scrapers and landing unscathed is so much more believable than the love lost angle.

Batman: the highest achievable position in the male food chain.

In the words of Teddy KGB, “Pay theess man his muhney.” This is the only problem that I can see in Brady’s life (Hey, that’s my name too! I am TOM BRADY! Oh, wait…). Right now Brady is in the midst of contract extension that is dragging its feet. Until his contract is reworked, Ole’ Tom is pulling in $6.5 million this season. Bradford just got guaranteed $50 mill, so Robert Kraft should have some kind of ballpark in mind for his 3-time Superbowl winning QB. Let’s move pas this. Other than the contract issues, look at his life:

He’s handsome.
He’s married to the biggest supermodel in the world.
He’s got around $100 mill in the bank.
Plays sports for a living and is really good.

Yes, excuse me waiter… I’ll have what he’s having.

I’ve already written about the drama, that shouldn’t be drama, here. So we are just going to look at the positives.

By my calculations, adding all of the NBA deals and endorsements, LeBron has made around $450 million dollars. He has also said that he wants to be a billionaire. So what do you do if you have a couple hundred million dollars and have a goal to be a billionaire? Attach yourself to marketing genius Jay-Z and investment savvy Warren Buffet obviously. If Vincent Chase’s life models any person’s real life, it has LeBron’s. I want it.

Ever since I saw Jessica Biel in I’ll Be Home for Christmas, starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas, it has been game over for me. She’s my #2 in life. She would be #1, but I’m married and enjoy sleeping in my bed as opposed to sleeping in the tub. Know what getting at? Good. Either way she’s Top 2, and Timberlake has got her on lock. Throw in some wicked acting chops (Alpha Dog and the anticipated The Social Network), some hilarious SNL hosting gigs, dance moves that make women’s clothes fall off and a guy named Timbaland who makes all the beats for your albums. Maybe I should be putting him higher on my list.

There are 3 things in this life which are impossible. They are:

1. Understanding the female species
2. Breaking Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak
3. Thinking of a movie that Leo D has been in that sucked

It’ll never be done. Remember this too; before Tom Brady landed Giselle, she was DiCaprio’s arm candy. Some could argue damaged goods (I won’t). Either way Leo rolls through the hunnies like Bee Money does at the BK. Plus he legitimately likes the Lakers or at least I think he does. He goes to all of their games, not just the playoffs games or the games played on the same weekends of a movie premiere. He keeps it real. The only other actor out there in his league is Daniel Day Lewis.

With honorable mentions included we got six sports superstars, two A-list actors, two music mega-icons, or mother effin Batman. Now, if only deciphering the pros and cons of football independence were this easy…

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