[Imagine your typical, dubious person, trying to sound technical and articulate, talking their way around something on the fly on COPS—preferably speaking with a lisp—and ACTION!]
“Well you see, what had happened was…”
This is how am going to start my memoirs; among other things. It is the single greatest way to lead in to story of intense explanation. Will I ever actually write memoirs? No, I’ve never once intended to compile my life’s conquest in to something called a memoir. Memoirs are something that you expect an oil tycoon from the late 1800s to have; or any Jason Schwartzman character. To be truthful, I’m not even entirely sure what needs to be entailed to classify as a memoir, but anyhow, if I ever do write memoirs, I have my first seven words on lock. I think it is just fun to say ‘memoirs’ and likely will never take it beyond that. Memoirs. Ahh… The French. You just gotta give them a hand for keeping things classy.
All of last weeks’ time and attention was spent on moving. You see, what had happened was (couldn’t resist) I moved 95% of our belongings out of our basement apartment by myself. That isn’t necessarily my complaint. I mention it more for bragging purposes. I know I could have called up a bunch of people and completed the move in an entire afternoon, but when you do it that way, you throw all organization out the door, the only thing you accomplish is moving all your crap from point A to B quickly, so I really do not feel bad that I did most of it on my own. The one day, A to B move is more my dad’s style, much to the chagrin of my mom. The worst part about moving is not the loading, driving back and forth between the old and new place, the sadness you feel when you leave a place you once deemed home, because it is somewhat thrilling to be in a new place and start fresh, but the worst part is when you have to start boxing. You never know where to start. You pick an item and then you box all of the same type items in one box, only without fail that box fills up before you get everything in it, so the excess starts a second box. Clearly though, there is not enough to fill it up so now you hastily fill with odds and ends, BUT once you’ve taped the box up and move on to another room, you find more items that would have matched and filled the second box. I hate it. It drives me insane.
I also hate the discovery of all the crap that you have stored away for no purpose at all. You could bring in a team of scientist and philosophers to study and decipher, why in all that is holy, the reason you decided save a cheaply made cardboard ‘Congrats Grad’ banner bought at a dollar store. Plus it’s torn in half and rendered useless, which probably happened when I ripped it down off the wall. What state of mind was I in? Clearly I was just savoring it for a day when I could break it out for one of the grandkids and say, “You know Tommy, when grandma graduated college I bought this broken thing at a dollar store and have been saving ever since, knowing one day I could give it to you, and hopefully one day you will be able to give it to your grandchild.” Heaven forbid I throw away something bought at the dollar store. You look at some of the items you discover and ask yourself, “Why did I ever keep this? I want to know what compelled me to take this object, climb in to our storage room, and place said object in safe keeping, because I KNEW somewhere in the future, I’m gonna need this?”
Anyhow, I’m almost done with venting. At least these next few rants are sports related.
Sports Rant # 1
I’ve held my silence for as long as I can, but the haters will not let it rest. Stop talking/hating on the LeBron James situation. I’ll admit I was caught up in it—the stuff before the announcement—because I wanted to know where LeBron wanted to go. Everyone wanted to know where LeBron wanted to go. “I’m taking my talents to South Beach” was cheesy and I wish he just said, “I’m going to Miami” but he didn’t. But all of this non-stop talk about how LeBron “betrayed” Cleveland and “stabbed them in the back” drives me nuts. He did not betray Cleveland. It wasn’t like he told everybody he was going to stay and then out of nowhere, he suddenly up and left for Miami like some dead beat dad. Everything positive thing that happened for that team over the last seven years is owed entirely to LeBron James. They had seven years to bring the proper pieces to Ohio and they didn’t. He was free agent, he never said he was staying, and left a team of Anthony Parker’s and Antawn Jamisons’ for bigger and better.
I’m also sick of all the talk of how “Jordan never would have done that. Same for Kobe.” They never had too. Talent was always brought to them. Jordan had Pippen and the greatest head coach in the history of the NBA and possibly professional sports. Ron Harper, who was the 1990s Derek Fisher or you could say Derek Fisher is the 2000s Ron Harper and Steve Kerr who shot 47% from 3-point land while in Chicago, including a couple of game winners. Jordan also had boy Dennis Rodman who pulled down a million rebounds every game. Kobe had Shaq and (wait for it) the same aforementioned greatest head coach of all-time, and remember after Shaq left the Lakers they were pretty much crap and Kobe was talking about leaving L.A. until Santa Claus brought Pau Gasol over from Memphis for nothing. Jordan and Kobe had help, only they didn’t have to leave to get it. If you were to use the same rational—that Jordan and Kobe are the best because they stayed where they started—then Dwayne Wade is now going to be the greatest basketball player to have ever walked the earth when this is all over. STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS TOPIC ALREADY!
Sport Rant #2
Option one: Just retire and stick to jean commercials where you play pick up games with your buds already.
Option two: Tell everyone that you’re going to play the next five seasons without question, or until your limbs fall off. That way you can retire sometime in between then and we do not have to go through the circus every year.
You know who I’m talking about. I was over this drama two seasons ago.
Sports Rant #3
Why is the closing role in Boston being brought up? It is not a situation needing discussing or changing. The Red Sox have bigger issues elsewhere. Yes, Jonathan Papelbon had me screaming words at my TV last post-season that I cannot put in print and yes, this year he has been shaky. Or has he? Anytime I read something about the Red Sox closing situation, the person writing seems to indicate that the Sox need to deal Papelbon this off season or that they actually are, along with David Ortiz and Mike Lowell. I do not know why we signed Mike Lowell to the length and amount that we did. I just didn’t see it. Ortiz… I don’t know what is going happen there. Nothing will surprise me on the Papi situation. As far as Papelbon however, I don’t think they are going to deal him nor should they. Currently Papelbon is tied for 10th in the MLB for saves (24) and given how injury plagued the Red Sox have been I say that is pretty good. He is still an amazing closer and they would be dumb to get rid of him. Just compare his first four full seasons as the closer against the two greatest closers of the game in their first four seasons as the closer:
SEASON G ER BB SO SV HLD BLSV WHIP ERA
1997 66 15 20 68 43 0 -- 1.19 1.88
1998 54   13   17   36 36 0   --   1.06 1.91
1999 66 14 18   52 45 0 -- 0.88 1.83
2000 66 24 25   58 36 0 -- 1.10 2.85
AVG  63 17   20   54 40   0 -- 1.05 2.11
SEASON G ER BB SO SV HLD BLSV WHIP ERA
1994 47 16 20 68 20 0 -- 1.05 2.57
1995 55 23 14 52 31 0 -- 1.16 3.88
1996 70 22 31 111 42 0 -- 0.92 2.25
1997 70 24 24 111 37 0 -- 1.02 2.66
AVG  61   21   22   86 33   0 -- 1.03 2.84
SEASON G ER BB SO SV HLD BLSV WHIP ERA
2006 59 7 13 75 35 1   6 0.78 0.92
2007 59 12 15 84 37 2   3 0.77 1.85
2008 67 18 8 77 41 0   5 0.95 2.34
2009 66 14 24 76 38 0 3 1.15 1.85
AVG  63 13 15 78 38 1 4 0.91 1.74
Blown saves did not become an official stat until 2002, which is why Hoffman and Rivera have theirs omitted but on their careers since 2002 Rivera has averaged 5 a season and Hoffman 4. Pretty much you do not deal Jonathan Papelbon. This is issue is now closed. I will not debate this.
Sports Rant #4
Why can’t College and NFL football get here all ready? I am ready to do my Fantasy Draft, like you have no idea how ready I am for this. I’m the Drew Brees of Fantasy Football preparation this year. Normally I have my ideas and theories and go with gut. This has always done me proud in the early part of the draft, but in the late rounds, in my opinion, this is where the league is won and lost. In fact, I’m probably over prepared and have doomed myself by over analyzing everything. I compare it to naming a child. Someone once wrote, “Naming a child is like trying to fit in at a party. You usually screw up by trying to hard.” Whatever, I’m ready. I’m also ready to see who will be the starters for the BYU Cougars so I can a write a column on it. I will not speculate on college football until fall practices begin even though I want to so badly. I’ve read every article as to why each potential QB will start and why the other will not. I cannot be concerned with their speculation. This is all I know at this point:
A) Bronco (“I told you to call me Bronco” name that movie challenge one) Mendenhall can coach the shitake mushrooms out of the Cougars
B) He’ll put the best QB on the field, for every given situation, on every single down
C) September 4th, Washington doesn’t scare me, but Jake Locker certainly does
I want fall practices to begin. I want our secondary to GET AT IT THIS YEAR, plus I want my pre-season rankings out. I want some Brazilian all you can eat buffet for dinner. And I want 90 billion dollars... for FRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE (name that movie challenge two)! The wait is killing me. I suppose I ought to take my own advice and hang in there.