Right now in the sporting world, I feel abandoned. I feel like nothing is happening, or at least the things that are happening, and matter to me, are too complicated to even speculate about. Specifically, this means the hullabaloo taking place in the WAC and Mountain West Conference. I refuse to be a part of the madness and refrain from any comment. Because of all this madness, I haven’t even checked a favorite forum of mine for that exact reason. Last night I broke down got on and every single post was a repeat of two topics: who should start at QB and will how the MWC will look like when the dust settles. I’ve decided that I don’t care what the answer is to those questions. Either route will neither positively nor negatively affect them. I want all those people gabbing on and on about it to go away for a couple of weeks. I want my forum back. Besides the person who posed the question, “What sports athlete would you punch in the face if you could?” I was shocked when I saw someone break from the pack and bring up the FIBA World Basketball Championships. He asked some meaningless question but it got me thinking about the tournament and Team USA.
Besides Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose and Rajon Rondo, name me three players currently on Team USAs basketball roster for the FIBA World Championship and I’ll buy you a mansion in Malibu. Coach Mike Krzyzewski does not count for an answer either. Stumped? Me too, I can’t do it either. I could probably hand you the roster and you still wouldn’t be able to name three people. You’d think I had made up the names. Who is Team USA? Do I even care?
The sad truth is I do not care about this year’s World Championship and it’s not like me. Team USA (fill in the blank sport) typically ranks high on my sports pallet. If any USA team were a girl I was dating, she’d be the type of girl I would bring over to my house and my over-zealous, match-making Jewish mother could be found saying something along the lines of, “You two look so wonderful together; I’m getting verklempt ” and me going “Maaaaaaaa!!!” Something about cheering the red, white and blue while playing against the all of the other—true or not—evil countries in world gets it done for me. I don’t know why I feel that way. Perhaps it is my need to feel better than others, or my need to feel that I live in a society that seems put together, non-chaotic, and better by comparison to the other guys. Obviously winning a sporting competition is the criteria for having a country that is put together, non-chaotic, and better by comparison. In reality, I feel this way because I watch too many movies and play too many video games and have been brainwashed in to this kind of thinking. This is pop culture bred elitism at its finest. I dress it up and call it loyalty. This is not happening this year. I’m not bringing this girl over to meet my mother.
So why is my loyalty taking the summer off? Why am I not checking the scores live on my phone throughout the day? Why am I not running around singing the theme song from the movie Team America: World Police?
Oh I know the reason(s). Their names are Stephen Curry, Eric Gordon, Danny Granger, Kevin Love, Jeff Green and Tyson Chandler who are currently filling in for the 2012 London Olympic team players named LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant.
You see, the Squad A guys, which will now be referred to as the The Miami Heat and the Other Guys, have waaaaaaaaaaay better things to do than the Squad B guys. James, Bosh and Wade need to spend these next 40 days figuring out how to each spend $100 million dollars; instead of playing basketball for a country that allows people to make $100 million dollars playing basketball. This is extremely important. What do you do with all that cheddar? I know what I would do, but I’ve never had millions of dollars before. These players have it harder than you think. Show some compassion people. Meanwhile, Kobe will be dividing his time between devising an evil plan to win more NBA Championships than Michael Jordan and shooting over one-hundred thousand jumpers while muttering, “I got one more than Shaq, I got one more than Shaq, I got one more than Shaq…” Carmelo can’t risk an injury. He just can’t, OK. Otherwise he’ll miss out on a Miami Heat like payday in next year’s offseason, when he and fellow Squad A guy, Chris Paul, sign to the Brooklyn Nets. As for Dwight Howard, it is a little known fact that the reason he has basketball-sized shoulder muscles, is from an early age Dwight has been addicted to playing Red-Rover, Red-Rover. He now plays against the local school children while holding up two Mini Coopers every summer. He hasn’t lost a game since the 6th grade. When you begin to realize this, you can start to comprehend why you’re not following your beloved stars and stripes.
Those are the reasons you and I have to watch Rudy Gay miss open court dunks, or in my case, watch the highlights on Sportscenter. You’d be surprised at how good I am getting at shaking my head in embarrassment. We just don’t care. How can we? How do they expect us to when we know what we are missing? This is why there are literally thousands of TV channels included in your cable subscription, but the FIBA World Championship isn’t the only thing NOT getting my TV time. I’m talking to you, NFL Preseason.
Right now the only thing I can rely on for any sports gratification is baseball, but baseball is in that lull. You know what I’m talking about. The one that is two months before the regular season ends, and games are still important but they have at least 2-3 weeks before you have to start panicking or start counting down your team’s magic number. I feel like there is nothing for me to watch. I tried to get in to the Bachelor Pad without any success. Great name, great idea; just poorly executed. It’s not their fault, ABC isn’t the right outlet. Put this on a channel like HBO or Skinemax and you’ve got something. College Football is on the precipice, but not here. The English Premiere League is barely starting but they air the games at weird and inconvenient times. Even worse than the Premiere League is the MLS and the only team I follow are the 8-5-8 Seattle Sounders FC. However, I will get to see them in action against defending league Champions, Real Salt Lake, on September 10th. All I’m left with is the NFL and its crappy preseason.
Why is there an NFL preseason?
It is so unnecessary. Like in the Italian Job, at the end when they’re trying to steal the gold back from Edward Norton (who in my opinion is reprising his role of Worm, from Rounders, only this time he is rocking the dirtiest of dirty mustaches). For this scene, I’ve never understood why they had to drive super crazy through the streets of L.A. when the gold is in route, drawing all sorts of attention to themselves. If they had kept a low profile they would have never been all over the police scanners and Edward Norton’s goons wouldn’t each be paralyzed from terrible motorcycle crashes. They had control of the traffic lights. They didn’t need to be top side. Why they had to narrowly race on to the train tracks in front of a speeding train, when they could have just parked the Mini’s in the tunnels the same time they set the explosives, is beyond me. Too much nonsense involved in getting to a simple point. Exactly like the NFL preseason.
Why can’t they cut the preseason down to two games and make the real season longer? I’ll never be able to understand this, especially when it would increase revenues 10-fold, teams with open stadiums could host better weather games, not to mention it would make everybody’s fantasy league last longer. We all win! We need this. We need this because around this time of year, I’m sick of hearing about how out of shape a lineman is, while getting paid millions or whether or not 82-year old quarterback will be back for one more go round. I want to hear about meaningful wins and losses. I JUST WANT TO CARE! IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!!
(Exhaling a deep breath, counting to 10)
Maybe I just need to be put down for a nap and everything will be better when I wake up. By the way, my response to the person I’d punch in the face question: I couldn’t think of anyone—that plays sports—so I just went with my standard answer of Toby McGuire. I don’t know what it is, I even like most of movies and thinks he does an alright job, I especially loved him in Brothers (fantastic rent) but something about the guy has me seething. I’d punch him as hard as I could in his stupid sounding voice face. BAM!
(Exhaling and counting to 10 again).